WASHINGTON DC July 21, 2013… Stung by repeated Republican calls to “Bomb the weather back to the Stone Age,” a grim-faced President Obama stunned a nearly soporific nation by revealing ongoing US military interventions aimed at “saving the planet” from “the real terrorists” – runaway warming.

by William Thomas

 “Toward this end,” he quickly continued, “we’ve been spraying the crap out of the atmosphere above the US, Canada and much of the inhabited northern hemisphere for more than 15 years with sunlight-reflecting chemicals. Anyone who really thought all those persistent white plumes and resulting artificial overcasts are normal ‘contrails’ is dumber than two bricks covered in cement and dropped into the deep acidic ocean,” the president added with evident impatience.

Unfortunately, he hurried on, this “secret” in-your-face program is not chillin’ the planet fast enough. As more dark, heat-absorbing waters are exposed beneath formerly reflecting ice, the accelerating Arctic meltdown is beginning to release significant quantities of methane gas from the thawing tundra and seafloor, he said.

“And when it comes to trapping heat from incoming sunlight, methane is carbon dioxide on steroids,” President Obama continued. “Ice core records confirm that if this process continues to accelerate, we’re fu… in trouble.”

At this point in the president’s nationwide broadcast, Fox News broke away to breathlessly discuss the president’s near-use of the “f-word”. As Fox commentators called for the president’s immediate impeachment, CNN and the other major US networks immediately cut in with their own in-depth coverage and analysis. Only al-Jazeera and The Daily Show continued to broadcast the emergency White House press conference.

“… fore, I have authorized stepped up aerosol spraying from US Air Force tanker jets to cool upper air masses over the western United States,” the president was saying.

“This program is intended to reconfigure the high-altitude jetstream, which has been thrown out of kilter by the shrinking temperature differential between rapidly warming Arctic air and… never mind. I don’t understand all the nuts and bolts myself. But I can tell you that last month the Arctic sea ice rebounded to 2012 levels, slowing methane releases. At least temporarily.”

This was great news for coal and tar sands investors and Hummer drivers, “but not for the oil companies that got me elected, who want to start drilling in an ice-free Arctic ASAP,” the president admitted.

“And of course besides poisoning our nation’s remaining freshwater aquifers, natural gas fracking is also releasing ever-increasing tonnages of mega-heat-trapping methane. But what can carbon junkies do? The remnant Arctic ice sheet is now as thin as a White House press release. It’s vanishing quickly this month and could entirely disappear before lunch. But let no one say we didn’t try.”

Pausing to sip a beverage later identified by intensely questioned White House aides as “bottled water”, the president went on to tell incredulous viewers around the hottest Earth in human history that there were some “downsides” to his administration’s increasingly panicky efforts to whack an increasingly erratic climate like a blindfolded drunk swinging at a grenade-filled piñata.

“Ken Caldeira, who did the climate modeling for Edward Teller’s aerial sunscreen program at Lawrence Livermore back in the late 90’s warned that cooling off the stratosphere would form vast ice clouds that would in turn concentrate ozone-eating chemicals and ‘destroy the ozone layer’. Turns out he was right,” the president chuckled.

“Another difficulty is that the aluminum oxide, barium and various ice nucleating chemicals we’ve been using to cool large air masses over the western US to unkink the jetstream and cool the Arctic – also act like a giant sponge. Drying out the air. Like permanently.”

This severe desiccation may have caused the “dry thunderstorm” that led to the deaths of 19 Arizona firefighters. And it has been particularly noticeable over “the Too Much Sunshine State,” the president said with a grim smile.

“I am declaring the State of California the first ‘National Climate Sacrifice Zone’,” he declared.

Beer cans, poppers and pill bottles crashed to floors across the USA as the president squinted at his teleprompter and recaptured his game face.

“Even though we managed to make it snow in late May on both coasts with temperatures in the 40’s by basically peeing on Americans from a great height using tanker planes to spray urea and other snow-forming chemicals, northern Cal is hotter than heck,” the president admitted. “Those freaked out lotus eaters haven’t seen a cloud in months and there are none on the forecast horizon.

“The whole state is going up in flames,” he went on. “And meanwhile every plant, crop, critter and surfer dude and dudess is being scorched by ultraviolet radiation levels more than 1,500% higher than the ‘official’ numbers being so soothingly reported by the weather disinformation channels – who are owned by the same corporations doing the climate engineering.”

With the major networks now back online, the president paused while the implications of his blipped-out bombshell failed to reach several hundred million skulls already severely compromised by aspertame, flouride, carefully managed “news” and microwaves.

“Some of you might be thinking that it will be tough to grow food in the fruit and veggie center of our nation when all the plants are dead and there’s no snowpack to replenish reservoirs. And you’d be right,” the president said. “But there it is. These insane aerosol geoengineering efforts are doing far more harm than good. But we have no choice! We have to destroy California in order to save it. Just like all those villages in Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos.

“Besides,” he added, “if we get really stuck for water, we can always invade Canada.”

So chill out like the Arctic should have, President Obama admonished increasingly skittish Americans. “As my banker buddies and Wall Street traitors, I mean traders, say, ‘Where there’s chaos there’s profit!’ Good night. And to all you folks burning to a crisp on the Left Coast – good luck.”